Dynamo Cuckfield

As you may well know, Dynamo Cuckfield ceased to be as of yesterday, following Simmonds leadership, as outlined below.

This is a tale of tragedy, a tale of woe, and a tale of an idiot who tried to sort out 5 a side football, and invited 3 people.

"You're just jealous that someone else can organize football" - Mark Simmonds 03/06/04

It was an indifferent morning, a light summer drizzle dusted trees with a melancholy tinsel of water. I awoke to find that my ankle was still heavily swollen having had a bad bite off some insect a day earlier and thought it best I didn't play as I could barely get shoes on. In addition, I had paid my phone bill late this month, and T-Mobile had saw fit to cut me off because of this delay, thusly when I sent the group text out identifying the kick off time it came back rejected. Luckily, the wife was on hand to lend me her phone to text Mark, a move which would prove the beginning of the end. "We play at 9:30, can't play bad ankle" I declared. Sure enough Harris announced Simmonds had the task in hand as he showed me a text confirming kick off time etc. And merely an hour later, all hell broke loose.

Harris also had his mate down to bolster the numbers, a talented footballer called 'Roy' who was fresh from captaining a championship winning season in Bristol who had made it clear he wanted to appear. Yet for reasons best known to himself, Mark text back that there were now 10 people who wanted to play that night, and that Roy would therefore not be needed. In addition, fearing a depleted squad I made Simmonds aware that I would play through the pain barrier for the team, yet again Chairman for the day Mark told me that as I had said I couldn't play, I would now not be allowed to play as he had found a replacement. So I bowed to his authority and explained I wouldn't play in a phone call made at 4:30pm. It is was also made clear (obviously not clear enough) that neither Roy nor Mark would go as the huge numbers Simmonds had quoted meant that it was pointless turning up. So, even that would bring the numbers down to 8.

And that was how it was left, in Mark Simmonds capable hands no doubt. Then I received a phone call from Tom Jennings who stated that 8 people was just to many for him to bother, he said this was explained to Mark, down to 7 I thought. And then, silence.

Until 9.30pm kick off time. Powerleague called; Dynamo Cuckfield were not there. I am sure they are I protested! They are on their way, I gave them a few numbers of those attending, they're running a little late I assumed. Then 9.45pm came and I received another phone call, again Powerleague; "They are still not here, the match will be cancelled shortly".

Yes Dynamo fans, in the space of 11 short hours, Mark Simmonds had taken control of the team and revealed all the organizational skills, charm, and leadership of an 18 month old Baboon with piles. He somehow only turned up to Powerleague with 3 men to 5 a side. And all this just 5 hours after stating the above highlighted quote at the top of the page to me, when I suggested I play and bring back up.

He has since had the cheek to text me making simalrities between myself and Peter Ridsdale. Yet, even Peter Ridsdale knew that his team needed 11 players. And by the way Simmonds works in a bank, that is very simalar to the word Cunts (how ironic).

If Dynamo is to be saved we have to come up with £43.75 by next week. It's unlikely, but I suggest we do save some money, to put it towards Simmonds labotomy. In the mean time, I'll dream of what could have been, and how it is now Lawrence's turn to step out and control the team.

Bob has confirmed he'll be in Zante this summer among Simmonds, Hunky "Well Fit" Scull, Tom J, Leahy (If he's found), Liam, and Hall. Stetzel is now the last Dynamo member not to confirm. Ladies, however, will no doubt be overjoyed to discover the pasty one (pictured left whilst on a skiing holiday), will be in Zante terrorising Italian girls, and indeed any females who don't have English as a first language as well as having learning diffuculties.

Have you seen this man? His name is Robert Leahy and he has been missing for some time now. Last citings of this man were reported in ‘The Cuckfield Pub’ Wanstead almost a week ago, and a citing is in itself extremely rare. Although his name is Robert Leahy, he may also answer to the names of ‘Nature Boy’, ‘Chesney Hawks’, ‘What the F**k is that Guy Wearing?’, and cries of ‘WHOOO!’. It is thought he has been brainwashed by his girlfriend whose name is derived from a ‘Mega-Drive’ game and a street game played by serfs; Kirby. If you see him, please don’t approach him as he is neither armed nor dangerous, just has a very poor grasp of personal hygiene.

Dynamo.com have uncovered an astonishing plot to steal Liam's! A gang, with links to the IRA, spearheaded by Eoin Lynch (pictured left) described Liam's slick barnet as an "18th century wet rat that grows on his head!". Eoin went on to coin Dynamo's goalkeeper with the nickname "Liam 'fat boy, greasy, sh*t assistant manger,QC' Williams".

The terrorists went on to describe their belief that there may be some reward for the capture of the un-Godly being upon Liam's bulbous head.

The message ended chillingly with the line: "We will be back saturday night, triumphantly with the beast! ( and his hair!!!!)"

Former Goalkeeper Bob (pictured left, whilst on holiday last year, in front of a white background), has backed the proposed Pone Row 4, due to be filmed this summer in Xanti. In a statement he announced:

"I could well be in line for more pasty exploits this year. carry on pasty Bob... bob blinds bathers by the pool as he removes his 'surfs up, cowabunga dude!' t-shirt. how can the italians resist?"

Professional tight-arse Lawrence Hall has been admitted to hospital following severe injuries inflicted at his parents house, where he lives, in the basement... in between his shifts... at Sainsbury's, (Lawrence is 21). Hall is claiming that the injuries were inflicted in the early hours of Friday morning following a 'rigorous' sex session with his father. Lawrence denies claims that his injuries, including broken ribs and a circumcised penis, were not a result of his father raping and beating him like it were an American prison, with Hall playing the role of a meek Iraqi prisoner. Hall, pictured left, has been furiously denying rumours all week that his father, regards him as some sort of 'gimp'.

In other news, Chairman Chris Scull has held a press conference whereby he announced his party was to be cancelled. He cited that Hall's constant badgering, asking whether or not he could collect money from people at the party was to blame.

Circumsised living-joke Lawrence Hall has hit out at critics who claim he is Arnold Rimmer, both in looks and in nature.

Lawrence has been under scrutiny in recent weeks for his lack of attendance, and injuries such as black-eyes, which he has stipulated DID NOT come about because his dad beats him like a little bitch.

Captain Chris Scull was in outstanding form as he bagged a brace but couldn't save his lacklustre teammates from defeat as Dynamo succumbed to their second defeat of the season.

Scull was in outstanding form, as he ran the show but failed to enthuse the likes of 'Hairy' Jennings and 'Joker' Jacques.

Scull has become something of a cult hero down at Fairlop, with his outstanding performances recently, and his loyalty to the club. Scull has also drawn likenesses to Leeds' Alan Smith, who has too battled for the club he loves despite being in the same team as 'Arnold Rimmer' Lawrence Hall and 'Goliath' Williams.

Hunky Scull, as pictured to your left, has certainly been playing with an ability to match his boyish good looks recently. Despite criticism from the likes of Malachy "Don't Turn Your Back He'll Pull Your Bird Whilst Putting On His Crap, Booze Influenced, 'Jim McDonald' Irish Accent" Tuohy. Scull has since promised his career to Dynamo because he's such a supporter, but stipulated if they go down he's off saying "I'm not a Div 3 player".

Many questions arose this week as to the connection between Wayne Sleep and Bob. Well dynamo.com can exclusively reveal its connection. It was made in an e-mail critiquing the performance of 'Dirty' Bob and 'Lardy' Simmonds, here it appears:

"...Secondly Mark, watching the sweat drip from your back had me worrying about two things. A) where the sweat was coming from when the said player did about as much running as Larry Flynt has in the past 10 years and 2) why you felt the need to flail the sweat around in a Shakespearian "why have you forsaken me!" tantrum everytime you lost the ball and turned to the crowd. It was crippling. It was the equivalent of having Wayne Sleep (bob) and Richard E. Grant (simmonds) playing for your team.

Sources close to footballing leper Bob Owen, 21, said Bob was distraught at being sacked from the team. A post match report read:

"Bob's display last night had fans wondering whether or he had actually kicked a ball before. It was like watching some pre-school girl attempt to kick a ladybird of a clothes peg with her little toe on her left foot whilst balancing to buckets of water on the backs of her hands. And as for HIS TACKLING! He was tackling like every member of the opposition had AIDS. And your backpass, a ugly moment in football, for one of their goals immediately preceeded his 'goal'- a feeble astro-grass cutting slither of a shot at an open goal from the closest possible point to the said goal."

As a result of his sacking, Bob is likely to join Fedele in hell. May he burn... burn...

Dynamo will kick off the new season this Thursday against Truckers Fc Uk, and finish on the last day against Vision at home. Players are reminded to bring an extra £3 to cover registration costs and Scull Tax.

Forthcoming Fixtures
Scheduled     Home                                 Visitor

29/04/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Truckers FC Uk.
06/05/2004     Cnuts United Fc               v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
13/05/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v H's Heros Fc
20/05/2004     Sharpshooter Fc             v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
27/05/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Liga Fc
03/06/2004     Real Bombaclart Fc        v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
10/06/2004     Vision United                   v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
17/06/2004     Truckers FC Uk.              v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
24/06/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Cnuts United Fc
01/07/2004     H's Heros Fc                    v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
08/07/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Sharpshooter Fc
15/07/2004     Liga Fc                             v Dynamo Cuckfield Fc
22/07/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Real Bombaclart Fc
29/07/2004     Dynamo Cuckfield Fc     v Vision United

Dynamo 9-9 Sporting Lesbian. Chris Scull will have his name in Dyanmo history forever, as our miraculous owner scored a divine last minute stunner to secure the point which guarantees Dynamo's safety. The team were 3 points ahead of their closest rivals Snowmonkeys, and the goal which team-mates are describing as 'shocking saved the club, and indeed (what remains) of Liams hair.

A vote will be held soon to decide whether or not to have a statue of Scull built outside pitch 5.

Owner Chris Scull has reminded the team that 3 points tonight will guarentee 2nd Division football next season, and thus prevent the club from having to raise funds by selling Liams Hair to 'Cats' the musical

Flaxon haired goalkeeper Liam Williams won't be in goal tonight but will be working in the Cuckfield, and Dynamo.co.uk can exclusively reveal that the Father of two has hit out at allegations from team-mate Mark Simmonds that Liam is in fact Cool Runnings very own John Candy, who has faked his own death and returned as a Pub Assistant manager.

Dynamo Cuckfield player Lawrence Hall has held a press confrence today in which heslammed the sides lack of teamwork and certain teamates. Hall claimed that Mark Simmonds was a destructove influence due to his and others unwillingness to work hard, play as a team or even be substituted more than once a half. All this appeared in a text message to Manager Scull, who laughed off such suggestions. Hallwill be fined 2 weeks wages, and start on the bench tonight. Hall denies claims that he is Uri Gellar.

Dynamo have sensationally let go of overweight under performing goalkeeper Liam Williams. Following a string of poor performances, the slick haired goalkeeper has found himself 2^nd place to new signing Ian. Williams was an original member of the Cuckfield team, and held down a first team place, until an anal injury prevented his selection, and Mark Simmonds went in bangers to secure their promotion. He is succeeded by a 35 year old man with an in-growing toe nail and 2 kids. As a result Robert ‘Dirty’ Owen becomes No.2.

Following his denials about a alleged weekend tryst with newly ousted Matthew Reilly, Lawrence Hall owes the club £5 and former goalkeeper £5, which there is absolutely no chance of him paying, ‘cos he’s so tight he squeaks.